I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
