I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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