That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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