I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
