I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
