Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
