No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
