I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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