a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I want to fling myself into the sun
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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