if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
