I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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