I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
