If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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