Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
