You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
