I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
