Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
