Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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