What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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