I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
