You made me cry and you don't even care
this just has baby written all over it
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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