1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
be right there i have to get my cape
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
