Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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