I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
