So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
