two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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