dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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