Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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