a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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