my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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