If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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