Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
