the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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