You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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