im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
