I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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