I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
