So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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