Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
