Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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