I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
