i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
