So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
