And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
