I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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