We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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