the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
