we have pet lesbian snakes
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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