If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
