i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
