dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
