You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
